While hanging out with my lovely tribe of ladies lately, I was made aware of a phenomenon (condition? I don't like either word) I didn't know about that affects 15 - 20% of us - HSP. As we headed out for dinner at the local pub, the plan changed and suddenly I wasn't driving anymore. My brain just froze. It wasn't a panic attack. I had to go back into my room for a few minutes to reset my brain. I started feeling bad that I was going to ruin everyone's evening. This wasn't the case of course and the walk down to the pub was fine and how we laughed about it, but at the time it really felt like the bottom of my universe was falling out. This weekend was a big deal for me as it was my first social outing for quite some time - more about this below.
After being pointed in the right direction I have done some research and read about HSP and I'm gradually learning better ways of managing it. New experiences can be difficult and it takes me a lot of mental preparation, and if you read my former blog posts, I have been pushing myself in a controlled fashion since the beginning of the year, since I stopped drinking. Yes, you read that right - I had my last drink on 1st January 2018.
Being a HSP just means I'm more intensely attuned to the environment around me. I can come across as aloof, but nothing could be further from the truth. I'm just constantly assessing the risk factors of the situation in minute detail for each and every possible danger. I often find it difficult to communicate what's going on for me - my brain is working at lightning speed and my thoughts and ideas come up in a huge jumble that can be hard to organise. I don't fight that anymore and try to let my thoughts flow into coherence, which they do more and more quickly if I let them. Am I a control freak? No, I'm just instinctively keeping me and my tribe safe. Apparently I'm an asset! Occasionally I get overwhelmed and I realised this is why I drank - I was using alcohol to numb thoughts and feelings as I didn't know how to handle them. Alcohol became a negative crutch. I need lots of time alone especially when I go into meltdown (or brain freeze as I now call it), and probably more sleep than average.
HSP's are hard working to a fault with burn out being a common unwanted side effect. It makes finding work challenging since as well as being a HSP, I'm a perfectionist to boot. I have coping strategies like fastidious time keeping and visualisation which help me stay grounded and manage myself. I am slow - no, let me reframe that, I'm thorough, and it takes me longer to complete tasks. But you know what? The end result is pretty damned impressive if I say so myself. In so many ways, it makes music the ideal career choice under the right circumstances.
I knew from a young age I wasn't quite like the others. I didn't get the "right" answers at school. I am quirky. I don't feel quite right if I eat that chocolate dessert with anything other than a small teaspoon. Sounds and noises are amplified - that pen-clicking, dog barking and those sirens mean I find it hard to focus on what I'm meant to focus on. While my sister's homework thrived as she listened to loud music, I had to have complete silence. I find routines and habits reassuring and I like sticking to the same shops and routes, although I'm getting better at testing my boundaries without the toxic bandage alcohol provided. As for being the single woman living with a cat, why would I share my living space with anyone except a very special person with a great deal of understanding? Not everyone gets me and I'm ok with that.
If I'd posted this blog post in its original draft form, you might have thought I was crazy. That's why I'm enjoying and sticking to blogging, it's a great way for me to organise my thoughts and get them down in black and white while improving the health of my business. Most importantly I've found that writing as though I'm writing to my closest friends allows me to write as myself, not as a person who is keen to find work! And if you identify with some of what I've written above, let me know - there's no reason to hide it and it will confirm why we get each other!
